Your face is a jimmy john
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
