Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
