fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
