My liver just broke up with me...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
