you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
