thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
