I think I just saw someone hide a body.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
