WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
