I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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