I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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