rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
