Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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