True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize