just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
