oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
