Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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