You smell like a Billy Joel song
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
