I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
