My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
