Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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