I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
