I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
