HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
