i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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