halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
