goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
