so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
