I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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