im about as happy as oj after his trial
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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