it was like his penis was on wheels.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
