she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
