i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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