Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
