Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
