I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
As shirtless as possible
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
