nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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