I am midnight drunk by noon
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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