had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
