guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize