On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
