Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
