He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
