That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
