I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
