If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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