Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
