I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
