I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
