sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
