I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
