My liver just broke up with me...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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