i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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