you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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