Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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