Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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