I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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