Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
