i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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